Results are in, taking a break

The results came in from the pathologist. Everything looked normal. No further testing was done because this is my first miscarriage. The doctor is very sure the fetus had too many chromosomes. She said to lose a pregnancy around 6 weeks is most common for chromosome issues.

I’m still sad, I know that it’s still fresh, but the mornings are the hardest, I think when I wake my hormones are at a peak or I’m most vulnerable because I’ve been dreaming, I’m not sure what.

Being alone is hard too, even if I’m alone for 2 minutes I start tearing up, I start missing my baby, I start thinking “what if?” At this point it’s still difficult to accept what has happened

My husband and I talk a lot, and I know part of him does his best to not set me off again. I can say I’ve pretty much cried everyday since the surgery, including the day of the surgery. I know part of my husband wonders when his “old wife” will come back, but I told him honestly I can’t see myself being happy anytime soon. I told him I think the only thing that will help me move on is to get pregnant again. I know that sounds crazy, but it’s like I’ve got all these hopes, dreams, and love, and no child to give it to. I always knew I wanted kids, but until that pregnancy test was positive, I never realized just how BAD I wanted to be a mother.

I read a bunch of other women’s blogs about how the date that their baby was due is another hard day to deal with. I’m going with my original due date of August 13 as I think that considering all my tracking I’m 100% sure that the date I thought I conceived is the actual date (11/19/11), not the date a few weeks later that the doctor provided.

I’m taking a day off tomorrow, my coworkers bought me a massage at Massage Envy and I’m going to take advantage of it and use it. I haven’t used one day of vacation time since I’ve started so I think this is an appropriate time to make a long weekend. I’ll just get up late, go to my massage, then probably do a bit of shopping and make dinner when I get home. Saturday hubby and I are going to see the new Underworld movie and try a BBQ place (when in Texas). Sunday I’ll probably be a relaxing day for us until I go back to work on Monday.

As soon as I’m cleared I’m looking forward to getting back to some light exercise, my doctor said NOTHING strenuous right now, and I’m so tired lately (she said I’d be really tired for at least a week), that I’m just taking it as easy as possible. I might also use this weekend to cook up some meals that can be easily reheated during the week.

PS- I feel so fat lately, and I went on the scale today and somehow I’m still the same weight… AND my coworkers have given me cookies and chocolates and all sorts of stuff and I have eaten ALL of it. I’m still trying to wrap my brain around this concept… I’m thinking I’m not doing as badly as I thought (I eat like 1 cookie a day after dinner or a chocolate). I also gave the rest of the cookies to hubby.

I miss u

I wonder what color your hair would have been.
I wonder what color your eyes would have been.
I wonder what your laugh have sounded like.

Would you have called us mommy and daddy?
Would you love animals like your dad and I do?
Would you like science like your mom?
Would you be musically talented like your dad?
Would you be kind and sweet and gentle?

The one thing I know is you would have been loved.

It’s so hard

I feel like a total Debbie downer lately… but at the same time blogging helps so much.

One minute I think I’m okay, then the next minute I burst into tears. I’m normally not a weepy person at all. I don’t cry often, not to say I never cry, but I feel like I’ve cried more since this past Thursday than the past few years!

I’ve never felt so clingy in my life either, at night I keep reaching out to make sure my husband is there, I don’t know why, but I do. Lately I just want to be held, and I feel like my eyes have turned into these huge sad doe eyes and are holding their position that way…

Being alone is hard, when I’m alone I think about it more. This morning I got up and took a shower, and when I washed my stomach area I “remembered” I’m no longer pregnant and cried in the shower.

It’s really hard being around babies. My husband wanted to take me out to Denny’s, and against my better judgement I went. Next to me when we were seated was a baby, maybe just over a year old, then later on a baby that couldn’t be more than 6 months old was seated on our other side, and then ANOTHER behind us. One started crying and I just lost it. I didn’t enjoy my meal at all and just shoveled it down my mouth so we could leave. Anytime I hear a baby cry I lose it and I can’t help it. I told him afterwards that right now, going out is the last thing I want to do and he agreed that we could stay home until I felt ready to do more.

I forgot to say yesterday after I got out of surgery and woke up, I cried. Why? Because it was so final, because at that moment I knew my baby was gone forever.

I am trying to move forward and think about all the things I have in my life to look forward to.

My sister is coming February 17, and I am looking forward to that. It’ll be nice to see her and spend some time with her, and in April I’ll be going to San Diego for a conference and I’ll see her and my mom, MIL, brother, etc. It’ll be nice to see them again. And in July we will be going to my BIL’s wedding, which is something else to look forward to. Hubby and I will soon be starting our walks again and he is going to work out with me again, so that’s nice. I’d like to tone up my arms and legs in that time so I can feel comfortable wearing a sun dress at the wedding this July.

I’m taking life one day at a time right now. Thanks everyone for your kinds words and encouragement. Everyone has been so nice to me during this whole ordeal and that helps so much.

I’m Okay

Today was a rough day.

Last night was a rough night. I barely slept.

I got up this morning at 7 am, put on some sweats and a comfortable shirt and went straight to the surgery center (which happens to be RIGHT next door to my apartment- literally 1 minute drive).

Checked in, got prep’d for surgery, and everyone at the hospital was very nice. The people next to us had a baby which made me start to tear up and the nurses were all over me telling me it’s okay, don’t cry, and they are sorry. I told them it’s okay it’s not their fault the people next to us had a baby. But it made me sad

While I waited for the doctor my hubby was there by my side, which I’m so glad he was, I don’t think I could have faced this without him.

The anesthesiologist came by, asked some questions, and I told him I had sleep apnea and last time I had surgery I got sick from the anesthesia so he said they’d give me something to help with that.

When I finally went in they hooked me up to some stuff, the anesthesiologist must have hooked in my drugs because last thing he did was put a breathing device over my nose and mouth and then I woke up.

My throat was sore and they said I did regurgitate a bit at one point but everything was fine.

At the time they said what’s your pain level, I said a 2, they gave me a Percocet and later asked how bad was it I said a 2 or 3 and they said “good thing we gave you a Percocet” and of course out of it me didn’t think anything of it.

After about an hour they sent me home and said don’t do ANYTHING strenuous.

When I got home a few minutes later there was a knock on the door and there was some beautiful flowers, a white bouquet sent by my sister and her bf. There was even a beautiful Lily in the flowers, which was so sweet

I spoke with some friends/family, cried a little, ate something, and then all of a sudden around 2 pm the pain was CRAZY, I thought I was dying, my husband rushed to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription and by the time he came home I was in tears from pain. It took an hour after taking two vicodin for the pain to stop. When he went my prescription wasn’t ready because they only had SIX pills, my husband had to explain to them I just had surgery and was in a lot of pain and needed it NOW. So they gave him the six pills and told him to pick up the rest later.

I finally got to sleep a bit as well after the pill incident, and I’m sure I’ll sleep well tonight

Now for something random, I believe in dreams, do you? I dreamed that a man came and put a tiny stone inside of me. That stone fell out, the man came back, and he gave me a larger stone and said “this is very important, don’t lose it” and left. I truly believe that means my next pregnancy will be fine.

Hubby and I plan on trying again as soon as we are able to. The doctor said just lay off sex for about two weeks and then I’m good to go I have a follow up appointment with her on February 6.

I lost it

I went to the doctor today, the baby is not growing and there is no heartbeat.

I can either miscarry naturally or do a D&C, I think I will have the D&C because they said they will try to figure out what went wrong.

I have today off, she said I can come in tomorrow for the D&C, but someone has to take me home.

Part of me wants to delete all these posts like they never happened, but I won’t do that.

Thanks everyone for the well wishes.

ETA: I’ve scheduled the d&c

Hoping

My moot court went well, and I’m GLAD it’s over. No more worrying for another 6-8 months about court (unless I get called in for a real case).

I don’t know what to think, today I got another call back from the doctor’s office, my HCG levels (which is apparently what they have been continuously measuring) keep going down. The first time they were at 69,000 which they said were low for the point at pregnancy I’m supposed to be, then they went down to 48,000, then last Monday they were at 39,000. The doctor said I must call if I’m bleeding, and Thursday morning we will do an ultrasound to see what’s going on.

I’m nervous, I’m slightly freaking out, I got the news JUST before my moot court so I think I was shaken up a bit during it, but everyone said I seemed calm and did a good job with my explanations.

I have read that when HCG goes down that’s a sign of miscarriage, I’m hoping that’s not the case, I’m praying that’s not the case, but I’m preparing for the worst, shared the news with hubby and he said while he’d be disappointed at least we’d know we can get pregnant and we can try again.

Here’s to hoping everything will be okay.

Got Milk?

Went to the doctor today and apparently my appointment is tomorrow at 2 pm. I told them I wouldn’t have agreed to that time because I have court tomorrow at 2 pm! They apologized for the confusion (it’s totally THEIR mistake not mine) and now my appointment is at 9:50 am on Thursday. My arm is now bruised from being poked three times in one week. I swear if I give blood one more time I’m going to be anemic lol.

On the flip side I’m feeling a lot better lately. I still get nauseous but the vomiting has stopped. THANK GOODNESS. I’m able to eat a bit more, and I’m starting to slightly crave some things. One thing that is definitely a pregnancy craving is milk. I NEVER drink milk, like seriously I doubt more than a gallon a year passes through my lips. I’ve just never been a milk drinker, and last week I had a few glasses, and today I’ve had TWO glasses and am seriously craving a third…

I started reading online about what milk cravings could be and read a study that said drinking milk during pregnancy can lower the baby’s risk of multiple sclerosis. Considering my husband has multiple sclerosis it’s good to know After this post I’m totally getting another glass!

Not much else to say, my first practice court is tomorrow, I’ve got my suit ready, got my haircut today (and it’s wrapped to preserve the style overnight), eyebrows done, and I’m all set. Wish me luck!

Updates

So I have some “weird” news. On Monday when I went to the doctor they tested my hormone level (I’m not sure if it was progesterone or HCG) and then they had me come in on Friday and test them again. They called me that same day and said my hormone level is going down, which is not good. They asked if I was bleeding I said no. But of course that made me worried. I’m now taking progesterone suppositories and Monday I go back in for another ultrasound.

I’m a bit nervous, I read that low hormone levels could be a sign of miscarriage, and thinking about the doctor’s assistant asking if I had been bleeding, well, it wasn’t a good feeling. I did look some stuff up and found women with PCOS are normally given progesterone to help them keep a pregnancy. I’m crossing my fingers, I had lunch with a few coworkers today and one of them brought their baby girl who is around 6 months old, and she was so cute and sweet. Holding her it made me realize even more how much I want to make sure that nothing happens to the little one growing inside me.

I started on the suppositories last night, so here’s hoping to hear some good news on Monday, I pray they see a heartbeat cuz she didn’t see one last time, the doctor said not to worry, the baby was just barely six weeks so it’s just too small to see, but I think she’s hoping to see it this Monday.

In other news, hubby applied for a job much closer to home (seriously from a 1 hour commute to maybe a 5-10 minute commute) and he GOT IT! I’m so proud of him and so happy- this way he’ll be close to home, be around to pick up the baby from daycare, nearby if I need him, etc. And I think it pays a lot more. It starts at what he’s making now, but they said he’ll definitely start higher- he goes in on Tuesday to negotiate a new salary.

We went out tonight and celebrated hubby’s new job, the baby (again), my bday, and just enjoyed each other. Tomorrow we are going shopping because I have my first court date on Tuesday. It’s not real court but it’s part of my training and I have to do two of them. I have a suit but I’d like to get a different blouse and I’d also like to get like 2 new pairs of pants since THREE of my pants all decided around the same time to start ripping on the inner thighs! *sigh* I figure two cheap pairs at walmart to last just until the belly starts sticking out. WELL, sticking out MORE lol.

Oh and I got my steak done MEDIUM and it was delicious

Have a great weekend everyone!

New due date!

Went to the doctor today and got some crazy news. Instead of being 9 weeks, I’m actually only around 6 weeks. The baby is SO TINY! So now my due date has gone from August 13 to September 2nd. She’s going to be a labor day baby, I hope that’s not a sign of things to come! lol. The doctor said because of my PCOS I didn’t ovulate when I thought I did (strange cuz I was tracking but apparently I did it wrong?) and therefore the baby is slightly “younger” then I thought.

So I asked her about going to the wedding at the end of July, she said it’s cutting it close, but she did not say no.

So far I think I like my doctor, she’s friendly, she’s funny, and she’s straightforward, I don’t like beating around the bush, just give it to me STRAIGHT!

She also said the babies “yolk sac” looked good and that all my morning sickness is just a sign of a strong pregnancy (and she said I probably feel like the baby is sucking the life out of me- gee you got it word for word doc!).

I go back Monday for another scan because the baby was too small to see a heart beat- I’m surprised she wants me back so early but at least Monday is a holiday so I don’t have to take time off. I did plan on working part of that day to bank some time to use for future appointments

Eating is slightly getting back on track, still eating more carbs, but been adding more veggies back in, had a salad right after the doctor’s office, and a salad yesterday and today after dinner, I’m glad the greens are tasting fine again lol. The morning sickness is still here- but at least I’m getting in more fiber!

I’m supposed to visit a group of friends tomorrow but I’m feeling so tired that I may just skip it, depends on how I feel tomorrow, lately I just want to do nothing but sleep when I can. I now go to bed at 9 pm and am up around 7 am, that’s a LOT of sleep!

Sunday is my bday and Friday my coworker is taking me out to lunch and on Tuesday there will be red velvet cake at work (we have a bday club at work) I’m going to be 29! Wow Time flies!

My own cooking

It’s funny, lately my own cooking just sounds DISGUSTING to me. I’m really trying to eat what I cook, but lately I’ve just been eating out or eating packaged food. Not terrible stuff, but I could do better.

Today:
Breakfast:
1 slice of toast with cream cheese
Greek yogurt with strawberries

Lunch:
Asian chicken salad
2 pickles
popcorn with butter (real butter)
some of hubby’s french fries with ketchup

Dinner:
half a pb and j sandwich on white bread (that’s all the bread we had)
1 cup of cinnamon bun cereal
milk

I’m sitting down figuring out recipes that I haven’t done in a LONG time, and they are sounding good to me, so I’m definitely going to make them.

My ideas so far, for simple and healthy meals:
1) Mustard and onion marinated chicken with brown rice and a cucumber/onion/red tomato salad.
2) Homemade grilled fish tacos with cabbage and pico de gallo
3) Grilled chicken with corn and baked beans
4) Beef tacos (hubby’s request)

Any ideas to help me out? I’m looking for light foods that are easy to cook I pretty much will eat anything except mushrooms (I’m allergic) and beets