Did you ever see that movie? Where Robin William’s character dies in a car wreck some time after losing his children? And what happens to his wife? I won’t give it away, but if you are on your period and are looking for a good cry, this movie WILL blow your mind.
Anyways, I’ve been good, eating healthy, going to the gym (going again tonight), and just trying to keep myself busy and away from the computer as much as possible. Been busy with my book club and other activities also- did I mention I have a book club? YES! I do, on meetup.com! I was going to one, and the leader was leaving, and I volunteered to take it over, and it’s been great Just another step on my way towards possibly writing my own book. Shh don’t tell anyone, but I have been writing a lot and my husband and best friend really think I have potential. It’s always been a dream of mine to have something published, and so I’m definitely at least practicing to hone my skills. I love reading so I figure why not try writing?
Okay, so before I go on a tangent, I feel like fate has been cruel. For someone with PCOS I have it under control overall pretty well. I consistently get my period, and that’s something to keep me hopeful anyways. So this month, my period was late, and I was crossing my fingers. Then it was a day late, then two days late, then three days late. And I REALLY tried to not get my hopes up, but of course you know how hard that is to do… So I took a pregnancy test.
It was negative. I was puzzled. And the next morning no period. So I took another test.
Then that afternoon my period came *sigh*
Then last night, I had a dream that I died without having children. I woke up crying and called my best friend (yes at 7 am) and she consoled me and told me it was just a dream. Which of course she is right, but man it shook me up!
I guess I didn’t realize how upsetting it was to get my period again. BUT I am not giving up, I’m just taking this to tell me to work harder on my body. I refuse to get into the “woe as me” pattern that I’ve had in the past. I’ve been listening to Tony Robbins (don’t judge me) tapes for motivation, and I agree what he says about Learned Helplessness. I have to raise my standards and my limiting beliefs, change my strategy, and condition a new pattern! Which is why I’m not pushing myself to lose weight, but I’m pushing to 1- get off the computer and 2- workout more. I am counting calories again, but I’m not limiting fruits, and I am concentrating on getting most of my carbs from GOOD carbs like fruit, veggies, and minimal breads, pasta, and rice. The goal isn’t a number so much as a change in habits for life. Though overall my habits have changed. I realize I just LIKE to eat, so keeping in mind with what I have learned from biggest loser, I’m eating low calorie bulk in the form of fruits and veggies so I can still eat quite a bit without going too high on cals/carbs.
If you are still out there, don’t give up on me!